


Burden [Dreamnotfound]

by SchlattsSideBurns



Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Gay Character, Hurt Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF), Internal Conflict, Internalized Homophobia, LGBTQ Character, M/M, POV Clay | Dream (Video Blogging RPF), POV GeorgeNotFound (Video Blogging RPF), Relationship Negotiation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-01
Updated: 2021-01-01
Packaged: 2021-03-14 01:29:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28913127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SchlattsSideBurns/pseuds/SchlattsSideBurns
Summary: Basically Dream realises he’s gay for George, George is gay for dream, that’s it enjoy and blame Ellaclaytonx  for anything you read because I’m writing it for her.
Relationships: Clay | Dream/GeorgeNotFound (Video Blogging RPF)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 32





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Ellaclaytonx](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ellaclaytonx/gifts).



[Dream's Pov]

The dark appeared overwhelming, It was almost as if I had grown accustomed to the apathetic sense of despair which creeped through the imperfect cracks in my skin, It's like I'm trapped in a flawed shell, utterly desperate to escape. I couldn't possibly sleep now, I could sense the doubt, the fears and worst of all the anxiety, the notion of not being enough began to flood my mind. I pondered all possible solutions, "I can't spend another night like this" I thought to myself as I felt my chest begin to contact as I frantically searched for my phone 'maybe I'll call George, he won't mind if I call him" I optimistically attempted to fool myself into thinking.

Regardless of my situation, regardless of my problems, George's presence appeared to grant me solace and, in a sense, allowed an unnaturally overwhelming sense of stability, despite all that has been inconsistent, George has been the one constant in my life and it's the fear of that constant fading into a memory which compelled me to slam my phone down onto the worn out mattress besides me as I allowed myself to be engulfed by the darkness which I had grown so accustomed to.

I'm always sickeningly unsuccessful when it comes down to keeping my 'demons' at bay, especially when the faint glow of the sun is bled dry leaving only the gothic, overbearing presence of the night sky. amidst my deafening thoughts blaring countless toxic implications, each more sickening than the last, I was unable to drop the idea that my negative feelings were somehow an elaborate scheme to have an unlimited source of attention.The concept rattled in my mind, drowning out all previous thoughts, I have everything, friends, family, a career that I can confidently devote my time to, there's nothing in my life for me to be sad about.

*buzz buzz* "my phone? Who could be calling at this ti-" I cut myself off mid sentence after realising it was 8am, I was no longer in the depth of the night, I stayed up all night overthinking...again. *Buzz buzz* I glanced down at my dim phone screen only to notice that George was attempting to contact me, I cleared my throat and answered the call "hello" I said in the most positive sounding voice I could manage before asking "what's up." On hearing George's voice gently speaking "nothing much I was going to hop on Minecraft and was wondering if you wanted to join" instantly destroyed anything and everything which was swamping my mind, his voice had a habit of doing that, "Dream are you still there?" I heard George ask, after realising I hadn't answered I rather quickly responded 'I'd love to play on Minecraft with you George I'll turn my computer on now."

I dragged myself out of the safety of my bed and over to the chair set in front of my computer when I had a rather sobering thought, I hadn't been able to leave my bed for days, why did I get up as soon as George requested? I ignored the thought and blamed it on my lack of sleep as I booted up the computer and started to run Minecraft.

~~

"Wow Dream how did you not die just then with all of those mobs after you" George said with a laugh, despite being only being on a voice call with him I could see the way his nose wrinkles when he laughs and how wide his deep brown eyes grow when he is surprised, "what is with me today" I angrily think as I try to ignore it and jokingly say to George "I'm the best Minecraft player out there George what do you expect." George chuckled and he rolled his eyes that hard I could hear it, "of course you are Dream" we both laughed until George stated he had to go because he had promised to meet up with a few friends. They both said their goodbyes and George left the call leaving Dream staring at his computer screen trying to comprehend his thoughts.

"It's just because I'm tried, it means nothing I'm just tired." I decided to try to take my mind off of things by getting a shower and trying to clean my house a little, "it's just because I'm tired" I muttered before stepping into the shower for the first time in longer than I'd like to admit.


	2. Chapter 2

[Dream's Pov]

Despite my overwhelming need to devise a strategy which allowed me to feel in control of myself I found my eyes locked on my shower head, the concept of performing basic self care seemed above me, I didn't feel worthy.The shower suddenly morphed into a looming unconquerable presence, each outcome was undesirable. If I didn't shower I would've lost to my psyche which would render my useless yet again, If I had a warm shower It would lull me into a false sense of comfort and I would most likely drift into a well needed rest and If I had a cold shower then I wouldn't really be "caring" for myself.

I took a deep breathe "no I can't carry on like this, I need to clear my head" I muttered before wearily stepping into the shower and feeling the ice cold water bounce off my tensed back. I instinctively grabbed at the shower knob in order togradually heat up the disgustingly icy water. As my hand began to turn the knob I stopped dead in my tracks, "no It's what I deserve" I thought before reluctantly dragging my hand away from the knob. As I stood being bombarded by dagger like water I couldn't stop thinking about everything, my thoughts swirled around my mind, the way I didn't feel enough, the way George made me feel earlier. When I started thinking about George I stepped out of the shower "I can't dwell on this" I muttered "It was nothing."

I threw on some crumpled clothes which had been discarded on my floor and began to ponder what to do with the rest of my day, I didn't feel as if I had the motivation to stream anything, I didn't have anything urgent that needed doing, I'm at a loss, my thoughts were interrupted by the sound of my phone gently buzzing. I glanced over at the screen and saw the name 'Sapnap' on my screen. I reluctantly answered the call despite the wave of tiredness which washed over me.

"Hi" I heard Sapnap cheerfully say, "hey" I muttered back, I really wasn't much company but I couldn't ignore Sapnap, he didn't deserve that. "Are you ok dude" I heard Sapnap cautiously question, even I could tell I sounded off. "I cleared my throat and overplayed my rapidly decreasing happiness "I'm fine honestly, I'm just tired" Sapnap didn't sound convinced, "ok dude" there was a short silence "I was wondering if you wanted to hop on minecraft with me and George."

George.

I felt a lump gather in my throat and instinctively started to scratch my hand, it was a nervous habit I had unknowingly picked up a while back. "Oh ermm I don't think I can" I could hear the skepticism and worry in Sapnap's voice "are you sure you can't join us? George specifically asked me to ask if you wanted to join"

George asked Sapnap to ask me to join, why didn't he ask himself he never had a problem calling me and asking me to play before?

"Why didn't he ask himself?" I said in a defensive tone.

"Look dude I don't kn-"

I put the phone down, despite the overwhelming guilt I felt pour over me I found myselfcalling George, he immediately picked up.

[George's Pov]

I found myself mindlessly starting at the minecraft title screen, a strange fear had recently plagued my mind, why was it so hard to talk to dream all of a sudden it had never been like this before, so what had changed?

My thoughts were temporarily stopped as I glanced over at my phone to find dream calling me. I reluctantly answered the phone with a façade of overconfidence "hey Dream, what's up?" He answered almost immediately in a slight confused and defensive tone "Sapnap just called saying you asked him to ask if I could play minecraft I was just wondering why you didn't ask yourself."

I froze for a brief moment unsure how to answer because to answer I would need to first know the answer for myself. "Oh no reason" I lied "Sapnap just said he was calling you so I asked him to ask you, to save time." I heard Dream sigh a little then mutter "ok." I couldn't tell if he was mad or not so I tried to quickly change, or at least progress the conversation.

"So do you want to play with me and Sapnap then Clay" I said jokingly, desperately trying to move us past this part of the conversation. There was a long pause then Dream let out a light chuckle "just for you" he said in an unreadable tone, I couldn't tell if he was joking, if he was mad, I couldn't tell anything.


	3. Chapter 3

[Dream's Pov]

I put the phone down from George while I booted up my computer as I was going to be joining a call along with George and Sapnap in a few minutes. I reluctantly turned on my computer and while I was waiting for it to turn on I listened to the way it hummed and got lost in my thoughts.

"Is this really a good idea?" I questioned out loud, this will be the first time I've played minecraft with George being fully aware of my conflicting feelings. I suddenly had a flashback to a few months ago, George and I were live and about an hour in Sapnap joined our discord call for the remainder of the stream just to chat, it's by far my favourite live stream I've ever done. However, something about that stream suddenly made my heart twinge in realisation; we were at a village and I just killed the iron golem which happened to drop a small red flower and Sapnap asked me to come in a different vc with him for a moment as I was intrigued, I did so.

"I just thought of something funny" Sapnap said, I could hear the grin on his face "what if you got went into the village and found a building with an anvil and name the flower 'for George <3' his reaction will be priceless." I was confused by the idea but I glanced over at my chat and they were all practically screaming at me to do it to see George's reaction.

I agreed to the idea and both me and Sapnap went back into the call with George. After finding the anvil I did as instructed and handed the flower to George and after a few seconds of silence Sapnap screamed "HE'S BLUSHING HE'S BLUSHING" and, going on with the bit, George kept the flower in his off hand all stream, at least I thought it was for the bit.

Although it was just a joke for the stream, seeing him take such care for a stupid collection of pixels made me feel happy, not just happy it's hard to describe, the realisation hit me like a truck.

"I-it can't be, can it?" I whispered to myself, almost falling backwards in shock. Everything just suddenly began making more sense the more time I thought about it. Overwhelmed with anxiety, I messaged George and Sapnap saying I couldn't play because something important had come up and after apologising an excessive amount of times I sat myself down in my gaming chair as it was closest to me and tried to collect my thoughts.

Why George; why now, I've never even looked at a guy like that especially not George, how is this happening, my thoughts began to spiral. After about 45 minutes of sitting in dread I realised my phone was ringing and in big letters on the screen I saw George's name, I let it ring until the call ended on its own accord. I had a brief look at my Lock Screen "30 miss calls from George" before he immediately called again.

He wasn't going to stop worrying until I answered.

I let out a sigh and reluctantly answered the phone. "C-clay" George's voice sounded shaky, almost as if he had been crying. "You're so formal George" I tried to joke, he sounded like he needed to laugh or at least crack a smile "are you ok George you sound like you've been crying." George cleared his throat "I'm fine, are you ok you haven't really been yourself lately."

I was taken aback because I'm not used to these type of question. I couldn't tell if it was the fear or a brief moment of confidence but before I could register what had been said I answered "I've just had something, well someone on my mind" I felt regret wash over me as the words left my lips.

"Oh" George said in a defeated manner "what's her name" I heard the fake interest in his voice. I didn't answer. "Are you still there Dream" I had to say something. "H-his name, George I think I might be gay."

There was a sickening silence "I'm sorry I shouldn't have said anything" I said in a panicked tone "I-I should go."

George sounded different than usual, more stern yet so much more comforting "no" he said in an almost stern tone "It's ok Dream."

[George's Pov]

"George I think I might be gay."

I felt a twinge of hope spark inside of me, no, not right now how I feel doesn't matter right now. "It's ok Dream" I promised, "it's all ok." As soon as I finished speaking I heard Dream let out a long sigh and asked in a quiet whisper, "George promise me you won't tell anyone about this I don't want anyone else to know, not yet."

This is the first time I've ever seen Dream like this he seemed scared, he seemed vulnerable. "I promise" I said with a smile and tried to lighten the mood "so is it Sapnap the one you like" I joked and heard Dream chuckle and declared "he wishes it was him." We both broke out in uneasy laughter "while we're on the subject do you mind if I say something" I regretted the words the second they slipped from my mouth I didn't want to feel like I was taking the importance from Dream, I was proud of him for telling me. "Of course" Dream answered almost immediately. I took a deep breathe, "I'm bi" I took a pause "I like girls...and guys." I was scared to see how Dream would reply "you always have to out shine me don't you George" he took a break to laugh "good to know dude I'm proud of you."

_"I'm proud of you"_ those words rung through my mind, it's like when we first met and everything he said made me smile and I wanted to impress him, I wanted him to love me but I pushed that feeling away for his sake he didn't need some British man confessing his love to him; but this- my thoughts were cut off. "No" I muttered even if these feelings are back I can't let either of us get wrapped up in my mind again.

After an hour or so of mindless chatter Dream declared he was tired and would call me after a nap and we said our goodbyes.

_"I'm proud of you"_ I smiled, "he's proud of me"


	4. Chapter 4

[George's Pov]

I was pulled from my deep sleep by the gentle buzzing of my phone, before forcing my eyes to register who was trying to contact me at such an hour I fixed my gaze on my alarm clock '3:47am' it read. "This better be good" I murmured before seeing that Dream was calling me; "Dream?" I announced in an overly tired voice, "are you ok?" I heard my tone grow worried. "Hey George" I heard Dream answer with a slight chuckle, his voice was perfect, I felt the corners of my mouth instinctively rise at the sound of his voice. "Sorry for waking you, I know it's late but I-" he cut himself off mid sentence and took a breathe "I know it's stupid, but I just felt like I had to talk to you."

I rubbed my eyes in an attempt to expel the overwhelming tiredness which had already attempted to wash over me like a wave swamping a beach, I put the call on speaker and placed it down "it's ok" I said in a sincere manner before grinning "I know how hard it is to be without me, I'm amazing" I could almost hear Dream roll his eyes at the comment "ah yes the great Georgenotfound and his modest nature" he retorted. Despite the fact my eyes were shutting on their own accord I managed to laugh at his sarcastic comment, I couldn't tell if I was tired, he was funny or if everything I used to feel was flooding back. No I thought to myself, please no.

Part of me wanted to out right tell Dream I had feelings for him again, but that would mean telling him about the first time I had feelings for him. "Thanks for yesterday" I heard Dream's voice crack softly, causing a small smile to be plastered across my face "It really meant a lot, I guess the main reason I called was to thank you"

_I love you_

"Wow you can be nice" I said confidently "It was nothing, thank you too Dream, not just for last night, for everything."

_I LOVE YOU_

There was a short pause before Dream's angelic voice broke the silence "I feel really bad for waking you so I'm going to go so you can try and get some sleep" I smirked "ok mum" I said mockingly "I'll make sure to call you when it's not nearly 4am" I joked. We both laughed and Dream ended the call.

I lay awake running through everything in my mind, deep down I hated myself for liking him, even if he was interested he deserves better. Similarly, part of me felt selfish for feeling this way away just because he told me he might be gay, he just makes me so happy-

I couldn't sleep, not now I've fell back into the endless cycle of longing for Dream to utter the words "I love you" or grasping onto the idea of him holding me in his arms. I thought I was past this, I was sure I was past the idea of a life with him. I pathetically grabbed the nearest pen and paper and began to write.

Dear Dream,

No, that sounds too formal

~~Dear Dream,~~

To Clay,

Still doesn't sound right

~~To Clay,~~

Dream,

Yes, I'll cut the formalities.

I began scribbling down every thought that came to mind

Dream,

You'll never see this, for a number of reasons, firstly we live a bit more than a car ride apart and secondly ~~I don't want you to know how I feel~~ I don't believe you'll want to know anything in this letter, it's best for us both that you never see it.

I remember the first time we spoke, it's funny how the universe works sometimes, I never thought that one evening could change my life in the way our first encounter did. I could sit and write for hours about the how the way I could hear the way your eyes would scrunch up for just a moment before you composed yourself and tried to stop a flow of laughter, I'm glad you was never successful in keeping a straight face, your laugh would make my heart race. I remember I used to feel the hours tick away as I would imagine every possible scenario with you in my mind, we were always so happy in my mind to the point where a part of me didn't want it to be in my mind anymore. ~~I love you Dream~~ Dream, there's always been something about you which would make my heart sink, your words would always make me feel so vulnerable, I wanted our happily ever after.

However you on the other hand didn't want us and for a brief time I resented you, I resented how you could live your life without your mind racing with thoughts of me, but mostly I hated how you was able to be happy without me. I know it was stupid and I know it was selfish but I also know you became my purpose in life.

Don't worry, I repressed all of those feelings and moved on, I wanted to be realistic. However, all my hard work has gone and I'll be honest it's terrifying because ~~I like you~~ everything I once felt has started to resurface. I don’t understand a lot of things and I’m not going to pretend I normally understand how I feel but all I know is I like you Dream and it scares me it really does because I don’t want things to change between us, you have always been the one thing I could count on. I hate feeling like this especially when you don’t feel the same, well at least I don’t believe that you see me like that, I love you and you’ll never know.

I sigh as I shove the note into an old red backpack which I thoughtless threw to the end of my bed a few weeks ago. “I’ll get rid of it tomorrow” I say as my eyes slowly start to shut, the last thing I see before I fall into a dreamless sleep is ‘5am’ on my alarm clock which makes me sigh as I drift away


	5. Chapter 5

[Dream's Pov]  
I missed George, after barely 2 hours I missed his voice, I wish we were in the same time zone so I didn't have to helplessly sit and wait for him to wake up. I smiled at the thought of him finally waking up and without thinking I pulled out my phone.

Dream started a new conversation with Sapnap

Dream: hey sap

Sapnap:  
Oh, hey Dream how is it going?

Dream:  
I'm doing good, are you?

Sapnap:  
Yea I'm fine, what's up?

Dream:  
I had a rather impulsive idea, mind if I run it past you?

Sapnap:  
Of course, what is it?

Dream:  
Well I've been thinking a lot lately and I thought it could be a good idea for you, me and George to meet up sometime, what I'm saying is if I asked George if he wanted to fly out to see us sometime would you be up for it?

Sapnap:  
Yea man, that sounds great just don't be leaving me when your new best friend gets here haha

Dream:  
Haha come on sap you know that wouldn't happen

Sapnap:  
This is a rather sudden idea, I know we've all been thinking about it for a while but what's brought it on?

Dream:  
I don't know dude, I just feel like it's the right time, there's no reason not to

Sapnap:  
I guess so dude, I'd be up for it if you and George are

Dream:  
I'll ask him and let you know, thanks dude

Sapnap:  
Ok dude I'll talk to you later?

Dream:  
Definitely

I locked my phone and proceeded to place it on my bedside table and aimlessly wandered to the kitchen to make me and patches some dinner. I called patches from the living room as I began placing her food into a bowl and placed it on the floor for her. "Enjoy" I said as she began to eat, I let out a slight laugh and whispered "did I expect her to answer or am I just lonely?" I proceeded to make myself a bowl of cereal and walked over to my couch where I ended up sitting for a few hours mindlessly watching whatever caught my eye on the hundreds of tv channels.

I felt like I'd been sat for hours, curious of how much time I'd wasted and decided to go and grab my phone to see. I clicked the on button causing the phone screen to illuminate my face, however before I could check the time my eyes were instantly drawn to a discord notification from Geogre, he was awake, I grinned at the sight of his name.

George:  
Hi

Dream:  
Oh you're finally up, hi are you ok?

George:  
I'm good

Is he ok? I thought to myself, I shook my head I'm probably just being paranoid but it didn't stop me from calling him just incase he wasn't.

[George's Pov]  
I woke up feeling guilt wash over me, he would never see the letter but I still felt like a disgusting excuse for a human being, I sigh "I can never let him know how I feel." For a brief moment I considered not talking to Dream today because of how I felt after writing a letter that he'll never see, my emotions are every where, however my mind started correlating happiness with Dream long ago so, with much hesitation, I pulled up discord to message Dream, if I was going to talk to him I was going to be distant, I have to move on.

Before I knew it Dream was calling me, did he know something was wrong? I collected my thoughts and answered the call "hey George are you ok?" I heard Dream ask cautiously "I'm doing ok" I answered coldly, I hated being like this but I had to I had to do something to stop romanticising the idea of him "are you sure" he sounded worried. I let out a sigh, he didn't deserve me acting like this without a motif, "yes I'm doing fine I'm just really tired" there was a painful silence before Dream cleared his throat "I've been thinking a lot lately" I raised an eyebrow, intrigued I asked "really, what about?" I could hear a twinge of joy in his angelic voice "well I was talking to Sapnap earlier and we thought you could fly out and see us sometime soon."

My heart stopped, why now. Why as soon as I start to feel this again he asks me to fly out. What do I say? Saying no would hurt and confuse them both, saying yes would destroy me, seeing him right in front of me knowing I can't have him would destroy me.

"O-oh" I stuttered "what's brought this on all of a sudden" I said in a light hearted tone, I didn't want him to know he'd took me by surprise.

Dream answered instantly he didn't sound hurt he didn't sound sad, he was almost unreadable "do you not want to come?" He asked.

I answered in a rushed, panicked tone "of course I want to come" I felt fear begin to rise in my throat "it's just sudden" I tried to laugh it off to stop Dream picking up on any of my conflicted feelings. Yet again I felt as if I messed up and fear began to infecting my mind "he hates me" my mind began "he could do so much better, he's doing this out of pity" all of the air suddenly left my lungs leaving my defenseless. "George?" Dream's voice was muffled by my insecurities "George, are you there?" he sounded worried, he almost sounded scared which pulled me from my wallowing. "Sorry" I answered immediately "I was just thinking" the lie rolled off my tongue "I was just thinking, I'm free next week if you and Sapnap still want to see me" I heard Dream let out a sigh of relief "of course we still want to see you George" he said laughing softly between breathes, each sound he made, even down to his breathing made my heart ache. "I'll leave you to prep for next week" I could tell in Dream's voice he was worried about my reaction but my emotions were too all over the place to confront the issue. "I'll keep you updated" I replied with a forced smile, with that we both said our goodbyes and everything became sickeningly real. A mix of fear and excitement grew in the pit of my stomach, I was finally meeting Dream and I couldn't be happier, however I couldn't help but feel my newly developed feelings would ruin everything.


End file.
